How Shame becomes Toxic

How does shame become toxic?

It all starts in our family with our parents' criticism or violent rage, our siblings jealousy, having to compete for approval and attention. Then comes the pressure of school, our grades, our peer group. All in all, it's hard to conceive of growing up without shame. Addicts, alcoholics, other compulsive, addictive personalities suffer from it more than any other group. They've been damaged by it to the point of destruction and beyond. A great philosopher once said that we all need a sense of shame, but nobody needs to be ashamed. When we're ashamed, our healthy shame has become toxic. When our shame is toxic, it pervades our whole personality. We feel flawed and defective as human beings. We feel like we're worthless. We are empty, like there's something wrong with us. Toxic shame is the greatest block to human development, of anything that we understand up to now. Toxic shame is the motivator of self-destructive behavior. It's like a life sentence in solitary confinement to never feeling fulfilled, to never feeling whole, to never feeling like you know who you are. And no matter how much that we try to cover it up, there's always that hole, that torment of toxic shame that says, “It's not right. You're a mistake. There's something wrong.”

Now, a lot of times, we've confused shame and guilt, and it's real important to understand the difference between these two because shame and guilt are not the same phenomena. Guilt develops later in life than shame, around age 3 when there's some kind of an internal structure developing. Shame is pre verbal. Shame is learned before we've developed any kind of internal structures, shame is developed between 9 months and 3 years old. This is why when we feel toxic shame, we can’t cognitively identify why, we only experience as a sense of being defective. So where guilt says, “I made a mistake,” shame says, “I am a mistake.” Guilt says, “I feel bad about what I've done.” Shame says, “I feel bad. I am bad.” Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says “there's something wrong with me.” If guilt tells me I made a mistake, there's a way back, I can make an apology. But when shame tells me that I am a mistake, there's no way back, which feels hopeless.

Now there is a healthy sense of shame and that's important for us to look at. Healthy shame is one of our basic emotions. Emotions are E (energy) in motion. We need the energy that our emotions give us in order to get our needs met or to protect ourselves. Anger gives us strength; our anger moves us to fight for our dignity. Fear urges us to run away from something when it's dangerous. Sadness moves us to tears so we can grieve the past and have energy available for now. Joy is the energy that allows us to celebrate, to rejoice and share with others. Healthy shame is the energy that lets us know that we have limits, it will feel like a buzz of energy that lets us know to be aware of those around us. Healthy shame is the sensation you get when you blush as you noticed you left your pants

unzipped when you got dressed this morning, or when you go into a new and strange situation, and you feel a little shy. That's the warning your body sends you so you know that there are societal rules here, and to be careful. So healthy shame is an important thing to have. Healthy shame lets us know what it is to be human. It gives us permission to be human. When you have healthy shame, you can make a mistake. When you have healthy shame, you know you need help. You're vulnerable. And as Nietzsche said, “shame safeguards the spirit.” So, with healthy shame, we know we're flawed and imperfect like everyone else. Healthy shame is our humility.

Now how is it possible that we become a toxically shame-based person? What is it that causes healthy shame to turn into the toxic shame? It is shame-based parenting. A parent who tries to avoid their own toxic shame will shame their child if they feel like the child is embarrassing them or bothering them with their developmentally appropriate emotional needs, lack of coordination, lack of understanding, and all the other normal traits of a toddler. These parents will expect their child to be “perfect,” and respond to “mistakes” with shaming, punishing or exiling. These parenting behaviors and others are what instill the sense of brokenness and toxic shame in a child, and the child will carry this sense well into adulthood, setting the stage for all addictions and future relationship injuries